Ayun, as usual, it’s almost late at night at hindi parin ako natutulog. Gusto ko magpost sa blog ko. Kasi this past few days, ang daming gumugulo sa isip ko. There’s no one to talk to, kaya naisip ko siguro, much better if I just write down, or should I say “type” down all the things spinning in my head. =)
Galit yata sa’kin si Lhanie. Hindi ko alam kung anong
mali sa sinabi ko sa kaniya. I just asked and hindi naman ako nag-assume na yun
yung dahilan ng pag-iyak niya. I said sorry kung naoffend ko man siya, pero
pakiramdam ko, my apology was not accepted. Siguro nga na-offend siya, in a way
na nainis siya sa’kin or nafeel niya na masyado ko siyang na-judge. But I didn’t
mean to offend her, I JUST ASKED HER. I asked her. Yun lang talaga… Patanong yun
eh… It’s answerable by ‘yes’ or ‘no’… just a simple question but made big
impact on both of us. Minsan na nga lang kami magkatext, nagkaron pa kami ng
misunderstandings. It’s really hard to have a friend who’s mad at you, most
especially the one who means a lot to you. I love her and I really do. I care
for her, that’s why I’m concern whenever she feels sad and down. I’m always
here for her and I’m hoping this would end in positive ways. I’m praying she’s
not mad at me. I still don’t want to talk to her, I’m giving space on both of
us, so that our emotions would not crashed.
Next thing, I’m SO STUPID. I lied to everyone even to
myself. I want to be honest and live a life full of contentment. Yun lang,
magiging masaya na ‘ko.
Anyway, may gusto pa kong ishare eh… hmmm.. about kay
Michelle. High school friend ko siya. Nahihiya akong kausapin siya kasi ang
taas-taas ng tingin ko sa kanya. She’s beautiful; she’s smart; and she’s
well-loved by the people surround her. She’s lucky. Alam kong kasalanan ang
mainggit, but I can’t help myself to feel that way. Until now pakiramdam ko may
kulang sa buhay ko… I could not point out what’s missing.
I want to start all over again. I want to go back on my
childhood’s day and change everything; as in everything. I will be a good
daughter; I will be an industrious student; I will be a good friend; and I will
be a lovely sister to my siblings. I’m not saying that I was a bad child when I
was young, what I want to point out here is, I want to restore my good
attitudes when I was a kid. Tamad na kasi ako ngayon. Nagpapadala na ‘ko sa mga
temptations around me. I put away God and started to become a material girl; I
am VAIN now. I have lots of chances to confess everything but I always end up
to have reasons which will hinder me to pursue confession. And I hate myself
for doing that. I don’t have enough courage to tell the truth and stop earthly
doings. I don’t know when I will be ready to confess everything and I’m praying
that before 2012, I could have the courage to do so; but I could sense that it
would not happen… and now, I’m starting to hate myself again…
Maybe, yun ang kulang sa’kin- loving myself as I love God.
I must start loving myself… have a positive outlook and act maturely. I’m
getting older and if I continue degrading myself, I will be a biggest loser. No
one can love me like how much I love myself. Even though I haven’t done a
formal confession, I’ll start doing good deeds to lessen my sins and I’ll start
it by TOMORROW. Yes! TOMORROW… and may God bless me such wisdom and courage to
make some things right, not totally everything.
Sometimes love of other people is not enough to complete
you… and sometimes the love between you and God could make your life more
meaningful than what you expect other people can give to your life. It’s just a
matter of building LOVE, TRUST and FAITH to GOD. My depression must end NOW and
will totally gone tomorrow as I wake up early in the morning, may GOD help me.
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